The new normal?

Midnight meltdown! No, not Baby J. Me. Right after I wrote my last blog about everything being hunky dory, I had a meltdown. It was Tuesday morning at 4am. J didn't sleep at all that night and I was exhausted. I also had PMS, and it was too hot to sleep, add to that the emotional toll of visitation that afternoon and it was the perfect storm for a weepy 40 yr old foster mom to a precious 2 month old. I went to Bob, holding J and bawling like a baby. I told Bob that I simply couldn't do it and that I wanted our normal life back. He sleepily asked me what was wrong. I just turned back and layed down beside J. He was cooing and giggling and smiling at me, and I just cried. My tears hitting him on his tiny little chest, he just laughed at me and reached for me. I laughed a little, and I told him to stop, didn't he realize I was breaking down and I wasn't able to do this? But he didn't care. So I told him we would give it more time. Then I said a prayer, asked for strength and energy and fell back to sleep albeit momentarily.

Over the next 24 hrs I mourned the loss of normalcy. I was getting ready for Courtney's shower and J was sleeping all day (he was exhausted after all) and I didn't spend any time with him on Tuesday. I was super busy, and I had ickyness all day long. Marla spent the night that night so I could get some rest God bless her. I woke up at one point, realizing that I really missed him that day. I missed his crooked little smile, the way he grabs my shirt when I hold him. The way he coos when I sing to him. I took him to the doctor for his 2 mth check up on Wed, and when he got his shots, I comforted him. He settled right down when I held him. He trusts me, and he needs me. I started to think about what it would be like without him around here and I realized that wouldn't be "normal" either. He's a part of us now. For how long I don't know, but I know that right now, at this moment, he is "ours". So maybe this is the new normal? Maybe we're in transition? I don't know, but I know there's no going back at this point.

My point is that this is certainly not a cake walk. It's hard. It's constantly evolving and changing. Somedays it seems like we just can't do it, and at the drop of a hat it seems like it's no big deal. It changes from minute to minute. It's insane, but when I wake up exhausted and think about how perfect things were with the 4 of us, I think about how we love him. We love him so much. And he's adjusting to being here and how he is comfortable and secure and wasn't that the point? So onward we trek to the new normal. Just in time for school to start and everything to go crazy again!