Midnight meltdown! No, not Baby J. Me. Right after I wrote my last blog about everything being hunky dory, I had a meltdown. It was Tuesday morning at 4am. J didn't sleep at all that night and I was exhausted. I also had PMS, and it was too hot to sleep, add to that the emotional toll of visitation that afternoon and it was the perfect storm for a weepy 40 yr old foster mom to a precious 2 month old. I went to Bob, holding J and bawling like a baby. I told Bob that I simply couldn't do it and that I wanted our normal life back. He sleepily asked me what was wrong. I just turned back and layed down beside J. He was cooing and giggling and smiling at me, and I just cried. My tears hitting him on his tiny little chest, he just laughed at me and reached for me. I laughed a little, and I told him to stop, didn't he realize I was breaking down and I wasn't able to do this? But he didn't care. So I told him we would give it more time. Then I said a prayer, asked for strength and energy and fell back to sleep albeit momentarily.
Over the next 24 hrs I mourned the loss of normalcy. I was getting ready for Courtney's shower and J was sleeping all day (he was exhausted after all) and I didn't spend any time with him on Tuesday. I was super busy, and I had ickyness all day long. Marla spent the night that night so I could get some rest God bless her. I woke up at one point, realizing that I really missed him that day. I missed his crooked little smile, the way he grabs my shirt when I hold him. The way he coos when I sing to him. I took him to the doctor for his 2 mth check up on Wed, and when he got his shots, I comforted him. He settled right down when I held him. He trusts me, and he needs me. I started to think about what it would be like without him around here and I realized that wouldn't be "normal" either. He's a part of us now. For how long I don't know, but I know that right now, at this moment, he is "ours". So maybe this is the new normal? Maybe we're in transition? I don't know, but I know there's no going back at this point.
My point is that this is certainly not a cake walk. It's hard. It's constantly evolving and changing. Somedays it seems like we just can't do it, and at the drop of a hat it seems like it's no big deal. It changes from minute to minute. It's insane, but when I wake up exhausted and think about how perfect things were with the 4 of us, I think about how we love him. We love him so much. And he's adjusting to being here and how he is comfortable and secure and wasn't that the point? So onward we trek to the new normal. Just in time for school to start and everything to go crazy again!
Friday, August 6, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
One Week
Baby J has been with us for a week now, and we are really settling into a nice groove. He is absolutely to die for. When we first got him, he was very quiet and as Bob put it unanimated. But now at 8 weeks he's smiling and laughing and cooing and being the most amazingly adorable baby. He is truly beautiful, I guess I wasn't sure what to expect but they brought me this gorgeous child and everytime I look at him it takes my breath away a little.
It hasn't been easy, I'm not gonna lie. The first few nights were rough, I was exhausted and when I'm exhausted I cry. Last night he slept a nearly 6 hr stretch and I woke up wondering if he was okay! He was, just full and tired and I guess feeling pretty secure. He seems to have some expectations of what to expect around here, and that makes me so happy.
Jack and Syd are doing phenomenal. Jack loves to give him his bottle, but tells me I have to burp him. Sydney sings to him constantly and he LOVES it. He especially loves the Barney song, he hears the first few words and starts kicking his arms and legs and singing along. It's so precious. Bob sits and holds him and plays high five and bouncy baby. Baby J loves to sleep on Uncle Bobby, he hates to be taken away from him.
He went to his first movie with us yesterday and did great! He slept through the first part, ate throught the second part and then watched the ending. He also entertained the crowd with a nice big burp after he ate. We were pretty impressed!
He is definitely loved around here, and his auntie Marla is totally infatuated. I think the feeling is mutual. Tomorrow is Courtney's baby shower and an entire houseful of mommys and grammas to pass him around like a jar of M&M's. I expect he will be exhausted by the end of that. And that's fine with me!
It hasn't been easy, I'm not gonna lie. The first few nights were rough, I was exhausted and when I'm exhausted I cry. Last night he slept a nearly 6 hr stretch and I woke up wondering if he was okay! He was, just full and tired and I guess feeling pretty secure. He seems to have some expectations of what to expect around here, and that makes me so happy.
Jack and Syd are doing phenomenal. Jack loves to give him his bottle, but tells me I have to burp him. Sydney sings to him constantly and he LOVES it. He especially loves the Barney song, he hears the first few words and starts kicking his arms and legs and singing along. It's so precious. Bob sits and holds him and plays high five and bouncy baby. Baby J loves to sleep on Uncle Bobby, he hates to be taken away from him.
He went to his first movie with us yesterday and did great! He slept through the first part, ate throught the second part and then watched the ending. He also entertained the crowd with a nice big burp after he ate. We were pretty impressed!
He is definitely loved around here, and his auntie Marla is totally infatuated. I think the feeling is mutual. Tomorrow is Courtney's baby shower and an entire houseful of mommys and grammas to pass him around like a jar of M&M's. I expect he will be exhausted by the end of that. And that's fine with me!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
The good, the bad and the ugly...
The good: We've had the baby for 2 days and he seems to fit right in. The kids seem to be adjusting well. Sydney positively adores him and wants to be near him constantly. She was the one I was most concerned with feeling left out, but she's wonderful. Jack is Jack, he's very independent and comes in now and then to check on him and thank us for letting the baby stay with us.
We've had a lot of help! My sisters have been here, and yesterday I took a short nap while they doted on baby. My mom and Nana came yesterday, and my cousin and aunt came the night he got here. Andy helped me give him a bath and get him ready for bed.
Baby is super happy. He smiles a lot, and laughs (at Syd in particular). He is very charming and seems to be pretty easy going. He tends to soothe himself and doesn't fuss too much.
The bad: I'm tired. While the first night wasn't too bad, and last night wasn't too bad, I do miss knowing that I can just go to bed and not worry about waking up until morning. But I know that the sleeping issue is temporary. By the time the kids go back to school he should be sleeping at least one 6 hr or more stretch.
The ugly: I feel a bit discombobulated. I feel strange. I wonder at times, briefly, if I can do this. My life was pretty much ideal. My babies are fairly independent. I can read a book if I want to. They entertain themselves, and they can just go to bed and sleep when they're tired. They take a bath, get out and dry off, put on their pj's and brush their own hair and teeth. Now I'm holding a baby when I do everything.
I don't regret him being here. I know that it's the right thing, and we love him! But I feel strange. I've never been big on change, it always takes me a bit longer to adjust than it does others. It also has some to do with being tired and feeling sort of out of it.
Today is our first time to take him to see his mommy! I know she is very excited to see him, and I'm happy that she gets to spend time with him. I think I'll take advantage of my sister being here to mop my kitchen floor.
We've had a lot of help! My sisters have been here, and yesterday I took a short nap while they doted on baby. My mom and Nana came yesterday, and my cousin and aunt came the night he got here. Andy helped me give him a bath and get him ready for bed.
Baby is super happy. He smiles a lot, and laughs (at Syd in particular). He is very charming and seems to be pretty easy going. He tends to soothe himself and doesn't fuss too much.
The bad: I'm tired. While the first night wasn't too bad, and last night wasn't too bad, I do miss knowing that I can just go to bed and not worry about waking up until morning. But I know that the sleeping issue is temporary. By the time the kids go back to school he should be sleeping at least one 6 hr or more stretch.
The ugly: I feel a bit discombobulated. I feel strange. I wonder at times, briefly, if I can do this. My life was pretty much ideal. My babies are fairly independent. I can read a book if I want to. They entertain themselves, and they can just go to bed and sleep when they're tired. They take a bath, get out and dry off, put on their pj's and brush their own hair and teeth. Now I'm holding a baby when I do everything.
I don't regret him being here. I know that it's the right thing, and we love him! But I feel strange. I've never been big on change, it always takes me a bit longer to adjust than it does others. It also has some to do with being tired and feeling sort of out of it.
Today is our first time to take him to see his mommy! I know she is very excited to see him, and I'm happy that she gets to spend time with him. I think I'll take advantage of my sister being here to mop my kitchen floor.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Sleeping
I should be asleep for several reasons...
Last night I couldn't sleep at all and kept waking up feeling like I was suffocating. My sweet husband had turned the a/c to 75. In the middle of the night? Really Bob? So I dropped it to 72 at about 5am and finally went to sleep. Slept right through church and woke up at 9:30am.
Tomorrow night Bob is doing a sleep study and I have never actually spent a night without him since we got married. Even when we had the kids we stayed at the hospital together. And the kids certainly won't sleep because they won't even go to bed until he's home during the week on the nights he works late. Which is okay during the summer but Tuesday mornings during school are not pretty.
And lastly, I should be sleeping because tomorrow night at this time I have no idea what will happen. For all I know this child will be a night owl. He may wake up every 2 hours. (Ironically for the past week I've been waking up at 2am for a minute and then at 4am for 2 hrs. It's weird). I had Jack sleeping 5-7 hrs by 5 weeks and Sydney doing the same by 7 weeks.
But I can't sleep, so I'm sitting here playing Bubbletown while butterflies attack my tummy and waves of anxiety sweep over me when I look into my dining room at the little bassinet that was brought over this afternoon. But I'm sure I'll sleep...eventually...
Last night I couldn't sleep at all and kept waking up feeling like I was suffocating. My sweet husband had turned the a/c to 75. In the middle of the night? Really Bob? So I dropped it to 72 at about 5am and finally went to sleep. Slept right through church and woke up at 9:30am.
Tomorrow night Bob is doing a sleep study and I have never actually spent a night without him since we got married. Even when we had the kids we stayed at the hospital together. And the kids certainly won't sleep because they won't even go to bed until he's home during the week on the nights he works late. Which is okay during the summer but Tuesday mornings during school are not pretty.
And lastly, I should be sleeping because tomorrow night at this time I have no idea what will happen. For all I know this child will be a night owl. He may wake up every 2 hours. (Ironically for the past week I've been waking up at 2am for a minute and then at 4am for 2 hrs. It's weird). I had Jack sleeping 5-7 hrs by 5 weeks and Sydney doing the same by 7 weeks.
But I can't sleep, so I'm sitting here playing Bubbletown while butterflies attack my tummy and waves of anxiety sweep over me when I look into my dining room at the little bassinet that was brought over this afternoon. But I'm sure I'll sleep...eventually...
Friday, July 23, 2010
Starting Off
I'm starting this for several reasons. First of all to avoid spilling my guts to everyone on facebook that may or may not be interested in the tawdry details of my exciting existence. Second of all, as a sort of diary as we jump into the foster process.
We were approached a week ago about fostering a 6 week old baby. We are in a roundabout way kinship, and so we are able to go ahead and take custody as we go through the process of training. We have submitted to OSBI and FBI background checks. We will be fingerprinted next week, and will soon have our entire lives investigated as well as our families lives. Our advocate said that we essentially don't exist in the system now. I guess that's good, it means that we've kept our noses clean. Or it means that they haven't delved far enough into my past. :b
Bob and I have discussed fostering/adopting in the past. We have been approached twice before about a specific child, but things never seemed to pan out. This time, all signs point to "yes". God has been working overtime in our home. We initially cancelled our appointment on Monday, because we just couldn't do it. On Tuesday, Bob told me I needed to call. Yesterday was our first home visit and we expect to have baby J here today or Monday. There is a report from Texas holding up the process or he would have been here last night.
So why are we doing this? We have had amazing support and encouragement from our family and friends. With the exception of one person. She has some valid concerns, about us and the kids. I explained to her what my mother told me when I was pregnant with Sydney and didn't know how I could possible love anyone as much as I loved Jack. She told me that you don't share the love you have, you just get more love. Your heart just gets bigger. Even though I haven't laid eyes on baby J, God has already made my heart bigger and I feel love for him. There is a happiness and a vibe in my home right now that is of overwhelming love. Bob explains our situation in very basic, man terms. He says that it's like there is a baby in a burning building, and he has the ability to save that baby at no risk to himself. So what is he suppose to do? Sit and watch the child suffer? Or help him? Bob is big on what would Jesus do. He teaches our kids to be kind, loving, compassionate, giving. Because that's how Bob is. He is an amazing father, and I expect that he will be a wonderful influence on the baby.
So off we go. This could be our last day as a family of 4, or our last weekend. The kids are ready, their concern and compassion for this child far exceeds their years. Jack is very worried about baby J not having a mommy. Sydney just wants to hold him and make him feel safe. I love my kids. We are committed to helping this child reunite with his mother. We want to help her get well so that she can take care of him. When she does, we will still be able to be in his life. If she can't then we will go from there. But we just ask that everyone keep her, baby J and our family in your prayers as we take off on this wild journey.
We were approached a week ago about fostering a 6 week old baby. We are in a roundabout way kinship, and so we are able to go ahead and take custody as we go through the process of training. We have submitted to OSBI and FBI background checks. We will be fingerprinted next week, and will soon have our entire lives investigated as well as our families lives. Our advocate said that we essentially don't exist in the system now. I guess that's good, it means that we've kept our noses clean. Or it means that they haven't delved far enough into my past. :b
Bob and I have discussed fostering/adopting in the past. We have been approached twice before about a specific child, but things never seemed to pan out. This time, all signs point to "yes". God has been working overtime in our home. We initially cancelled our appointment on Monday, because we just couldn't do it. On Tuesday, Bob told me I needed to call. Yesterday was our first home visit and we expect to have baby J here today or Monday. There is a report from Texas holding up the process or he would have been here last night.
So why are we doing this? We have had amazing support and encouragement from our family and friends. With the exception of one person. She has some valid concerns, about us and the kids. I explained to her what my mother told me when I was pregnant with Sydney and didn't know how I could possible love anyone as much as I loved Jack. She told me that you don't share the love you have, you just get more love. Your heart just gets bigger. Even though I haven't laid eyes on baby J, God has already made my heart bigger and I feel love for him. There is a happiness and a vibe in my home right now that is of overwhelming love. Bob explains our situation in very basic, man terms. He says that it's like there is a baby in a burning building, and he has the ability to save that baby at no risk to himself. So what is he suppose to do? Sit and watch the child suffer? Or help him? Bob is big on what would Jesus do. He teaches our kids to be kind, loving, compassionate, giving. Because that's how Bob is. He is an amazing father, and I expect that he will be a wonderful influence on the baby.
So off we go. This could be our last day as a family of 4, or our last weekend. The kids are ready, their concern and compassion for this child far exceeds their years. Jack is very worried about baby J not having a mommy. Sydney just wants to hold him and make him feel safe. I love my kids. We are committed to helping this child reunite with his mother. We want to help her get well so that she can take care of him. When she does, we will still be able to be in his life. If she can't then we will go from there. But we just ask that everyone keep her, baby J and our family in your prayers as we take off on this wild journey.
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